28. NSFW

WARNING: EXTREME PROFANITY AHEAD.

Which ride should I share with you tonight?

The one where the guy I picked up who smelled like he bathed in tobacco juice and said that he had been invited to this party he was at by a girl who could have been his granddaughter, but she didn’t care, but then ditched him at the party and that’s why he had to ride share home?

Or how about the bartender I picked up from the strip club where she was getting off work and told me she was turning 34 next week and going to Vegas with some friends, but didn’t feel like it and would rather stay home with her dogs and asked me if this made her old… 

No, I think I will talk about the lady who seem to have a lot of issues with her ex who ended up getting married to a woman 20 years younger than her but told me that she and her ex were still having sex because he begged her for it and she liked to fuck.

I picked up this woman and right after she got in the car, she immediately started yelling, “That cheating motherfucker ain’t coming with me tonight!” 

Then she looked at me and said, “Oh look, I’m sorry if you’re a Reverend or a pastor…”

I smiled and shook my head. And then she continued…

“That cheating motherfucker wanted to come with me, but I told him he could keep his cheating ass at home. He can wait for his trophy wife to come home from the bars!”

I was a little confused as I thought this guy was cheating on her.  

Then, without me having to ask, she elaborated… 

“That cheating motherfucker is my ex and he and I are still fucking. But he’s an old fuck who married a woman 20 years younger than him and he is bitching that she will not cook or clean anything. She just likes to go out to bars and party! But he doesn’t like to go with her because he feels like an old man because all of her friends have young boyfriends and he feels like an old fuck around them which he fucking is! Fuck him… that’s his fucking choice. He decided to go for a trophy wife twenty years younger than him! He couldn’t stand to be with a real woman! But he old, and think old, and I don’t think like that! I want to fuck every day, and he can’t do that anymore, which is one of the problems he’s having with his young wife cuz she wanna fuck and fuck but not cool and clean. He married that bitch thinking she would be a good little wife for him and take care of the house and do his laundry and cook his meals and she doesn’t do shit. I warned him about that shit years ago but he fucking didn’t listen to me but still calls me because she don’t fuck him no more. He hired someone to clean the house and I was like what the fuck you paying someone to do that shit when you married this bitch and pay for everything and she don’t do shit. So he call me up to bitch about the bitch and get his fuck on. I told him after we fucked tonight I was going out! He wasn’t even no good. And it’s Friday night and I ain’t staying in with that cheating motherfucker. I may be older in years, but I am younger in spirit! He just married that child because he has issues with, I can’t remember what it’s called, when old men want to think they’re younger. Well, fuck him, I’m meeting friends and we’re going to go out barhopping! It’s Friday night and I got no time for that cheating motherfucker.”

This woman put Samuel L. Jackson to shame. I can’t even remember if she took a breath during her rant because it was quite soliloquy and she definitely needed to get it off her chest.

She went on and on about how stupid and immature he was. She had some choice words for his young wife as well. I said nothing at all.

We arrived at the bar that she entered as her destination. It was quite a dive in one of the scarier parts of town. She called one of her friends and I parked and let her make the call.

The person she was talking to was apparently the man’s niece, as I could hear her call him “uncle”.

The woman asked the niece if she was already at the bar. She said she was still on her way and asked if the uncle was going, too. The woman then reiterated how that cheating motherfucker can stay at home and keep his dick in his pants. The niece was in agreement.

The woman got out and thanked me for the ride. She apologized for her language but said that that cheating motherfucker deserved every word of it.

I can’t say I disagreed with her.