13. The Bachelor Way

I drove out into the middle of nowhere to a bar called “The Hideout”. It was freaking out there in the boonies and I figured I wasn’t making enough to have driven this far out, especially at 3am, but there I was.

 

I picked up two very inebriated Hispanic gentlemen who had been celebrating the fact that one of them had just split up with his wife. They were both verrrrry drunk. They were both probably in their 40’s to 50’s (judging that one of them sang along to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, I’d say 50’s). Both of them were… portly… men and that is being generous. I know I’m no twig but these guys in my back seat almost had me driving on two wheels. Both of them were also very bald. Thought it might be a tough guy look but one of them had glasses and their attire was not very “tough guy”. In fact, their polo shirts barely fit over their stomachs, and they were both wearing cargo shorts.

 

They were howling on about all the women that they had hit on at the bar. Women who were entranced by their slick moves on and off the dance floor. The one who was recently single was a little more humble. His bespectacled friend, though, bragged about all the women he could have had… but chose not to.

 

The other one called him out, saying “Prove it, vato! Call one of them and see if she will come over tonight!”

 

Vato replied, “I don’t like women staying at my house. I only want them to come over to have sex and then leave. That’s the way I do things. That’s the bachelor way. That’s what your need to learn.”

 

As he went on bragging about all the women he had at his disposal, he explained to his friend how, now that he was single, he was going to have to learn the ways of the bachelor. Especially not inviting women to stay the night.

 

 “You make them come,” he said, “but then they have to go. You make them come and go!” Oh, and he laughed heartily at his witticism.

 

The recently separated man just kept telling Vato that he was “full of shit!” Vato kept trying to explain to the bachelor that he needed to start working on his pick-up game. He told his newly single friend that he had been dancing it up so good that he probably could have taken one of those girls home, if he hadn’t been such a pussy.

 

The recently separated man called Vato out again, saying, “if you’re not a pussy, then call one of those women over tonight!”

 

Vato replied with a new excuse. “No, I am going to see one of them on Saturday, so I don’t want to have any come over too much.” He was pacing himself!

 

At one point, during their ludicrous back and forth that involved much Spanish slang insults between the two, they talked to me, asking me if I was recording their conversation. I shook my head and told them I was not recording anything on my phone or with any electronic devices in my car. Just recording them in my head.

 

I dropped them off and they drunkenly rolled themselves out of the car.

 

I feel for all of the women that these men might have put under their spell.

 

And for any future victims of their sexual prowess.

 

The one guy might want to call his wife up and see if they can work things out…

 

The next stop that popped on my app was the prison. That should be interesting.