40. Flogging Molly

The ride I will share with you today, I wil call him “Warren“… because his name is WARREN. I picked up Warren at the University, and he got in the seat behind me. Normally passengers like to get in the seat behind the passenger seat, but I don’t care one way or the other.

We were driving along and Warren was being pretty quiet. I was listening to the music. It sounded like Warren was whispering to someone and so I turned the music down a few notches in case it was too loud for him. 

I couldn’t really see him in my rearview mirror since he was in the seat behind me. I turned my head slightly to get a glimpse but he was crouched down to whoever he was talking to. Guessing it was a private conversation so I wasn’t going to snoop further. 

Then I heard what sounded like stilted breathing. Wasn’t quite sure what he was up to. I figured maybe he was doing a few lines. Out of sight, out of mind for me. As long as he didn’t spill any or any cops pulled me over. 

But my curiosity did get the best of me. I adjusted the mirror a little to see if I get a better view. Warren was stooped over and I could only see the top of his head. He was still talking to somebody, but very very quietly. I could hear the S’s his conversation but couldn’t quite make out all the words… then I was sure I heard a slight groan. 

I realized what Warren was doing and slammed on my brakes. Warren hit his head on the back of my seat and yelped. I put the car in park and jumped out, opened the back door, grabbed him by the ear and lead him out of my car to the curb. 

He was screaming “what the fuck?!!“ as I dragged him to the curb and threw him down. He hadn’t had time to pull his pants back up and he was on the sidewalk, bare assed.

Several people were around andstopped and wondered what was going on. I’m sure a few of them pulled out their cell phones. I screamed “Not in my car Warren!” I was about to tell him something along the lines of “you are no longer allowed to have rideshare privileges…” And then I heard a voice in my car. 

I went back to the car and saw the phone was on the floor. There was someone on the phone going “Warren? Warren! What’s going on?” I hadn’t heard the guy because Warren had ear buds in but they must have disconnected when I pulled him out of the car. 

I picked up the phone and saw they had been FaceTiming. I looked at the gentleman on the phone and said, “Show’s over.” 

I turn to see Warren running down the street pulling up his pants and cursing me out. People were recoding everything. Maybe it’ll go viral. 

I tossed the phone into traffic. Watched a truck take it out. I’m sure I will pay for that later. I contacted the ride share driver support and let them know about the incident, so they could make sure Warren wouldn’t be getting any more rides. 

If you haven’t figured out what Warren was doing in the back seat of my car, allow me to share with you a number of euphemisms: 

Flogging molly, auditioning your hand puppet, marching the penguin, shaking hands with the milkman, polishing the banister, celebrating Palm Sunday, shucking the corn, badgering the witness, going on a date with Palmela Handerson, adjusting the antenna, the five finger shuffle, jerkin’ the gherkin, relishing your hot dog, cuddle the kielbasa, slapping the salami, tickling the ivory, choking the chicken, free Willy, fiddling the flesh flute, polish the helmet, exercising your right, spanking, the monkey, buff the banana, applying the handbrake, visiting Rosie Palms, pound the pud, priming the pump, strain the main vein, beating the meat, whacking off… if you’re still not sure: masturbating. 

I don’t know if he was doing this for his boyfriend or for his Only Fans or Snapchat or YouTube Channel or as a frat initiation or for cheap thrills, and I don’t care. That is NOT a mess I want to clean up.

And I decided I had driven enough for the day. First thing tomorrow, we go to the car wash and have the do exterior AND interior.